WHAT IT’S LIKE DATING SOMEONE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS
Dating me is no walk in the park. I am constantly going a mile a minute and it never slows down. I am the worlds most sensitive person, and then you throw in some anxiety and depression into the mix and wow does Ryley have his work cut out for him. I asked Ry to type up what it is like dating me along with my mental illness. This is what he had to say…
“Everyone who has a significant other that suffers from anxiety, depression, or both faces different experiences. However, through my journey to learn more about these mental illnesses, I learned that there are similarities among everyone’s experiences. These similarities include: learning that even if you think you are a patient person, you need more patience, somewhere along the line learning that you cannot fix them, facing mood swings, having the problems of your SO’s day projected on to you, and having to be ok with all of this, oh and did I mention patience?
My dating list is short, literally two people – my girlfriend from high school and my current girlfriend. So needless to say, with my ex not suffering from these mental illnesses, I had little to no experience with helping someone with them. It’s been nearly two years of being with my SO and I am still learning.
A little bit about me: I’m a helper for those I love. To be honest, I’d rather help my SO face her issues than face my own because over the years I have learned that what I deal with is very temporary, so putting them off to help her is more important. Whether this is healthy for my own wellbeing or not, that’s how I am.
It hurts me when I see my SO suffer from these illnesses because all I want to do is help heal her. One of my biggest struggles with this journey is having to accept the fact that the help I try to give may not always work – even if it helped her get through yesterday, it may not get her through today. If you are a helper like me, who hates to see your SO struggle in any way shape or form, you have to constantly remind yourself of a couple things: you aren’t going to fix her, and that it’s ok that you aren’t going to fix her. By constantly thinking that what you are doing is going to cure their mental illness, you are basically running on a treadmill set at the highest speed and refusing to get off even though your feet are bleeding.
The effort you are willing to put in to help your SO may be endless, but in the case of fighting mental illness, it’s not going to take just effort. Unfortunately, the fight against mental illness does not reward effort with results. It took me a very long time to realize this – I spent well over a year giving maximum effort in everything I did to help her. Don’t get me wrong, you should never not give your all to your SO, but when you go balls to the wall 24/7, it takes a toll. I have since come to the realization that giving effort can be done in several ways. Previously, I focused nearly all my efforts on coming up with ways to fight her depression and anxiety each and every day. The most mentally taxing part on me was the fact that even after all my effort, all my lost sleep, all my emotions poured into this type of effort, the depression was still there. See, I was stuck in the mindset of “The depression and go away if she tries this, this or this.”. Since then, I have started putting in more effort into listening and restraint. If your SO is like mine, they’re a bit sensitive, and that’s ok, but it does make for a lot of tears, and a lot of venting sessions. I’ve noticed that one of the best things I have done for her is, before she tells me what’s wrong, I ask “would you like advice on this situation, or do you just need to get this off your chest”. I do this because 1) no one likes unsolicited advice, and before, I didn’t realize that sometimes my advice was unsolicited. And 2) because sometimes she doesn’t need advice, she just needs an open ear to talk to. When I say that I also focused a lot of energy on restraint I mean this: I am not a happy-go-lucky person. I’ll be the first to admit that I can get annoyed, angry, frustrated a little quicker than the average person, but I have focused a lot of energy on restraining from those emotions. Learning to control emotions that can seem overwhelming is difficult and I’ll admit I’m still not the best at it, but when it brings your SO to tears when you’re frustrated with them, no one wins.
Having a SO who suffers from mental illness is unique. There are plenty of ups and downs, lots of tears, but one thing that has been a blessing is that it has helped me grow as a person. I met her when I was in my second semester of Junior year in college and I’ll be the first to tell you that I have completely changed. My priorities are a lot different now than they were at that time and yes, it happens with the stages in life, but I truly don’t think it could have worked without being grounded by her. A lot of people say “don’t change who you are for your significant other” but a lot of people don’t consider the fact that who they are and what they’re doing is toxic, and change is necessary. Before I met her, I didn’t think I needed to change, but she brought a lot of my flaws to light and has helped me change some toxic traits. Some changes are necessary when you are in a relationship with a SO who suffers from anxiety and depression. For me, these included: becoming my empathetic, more patient, reflecting how I treat people when I’m angry, what I do when I’m angry, how I cope when I’m going through a hard time, how to listen and then respond rather than hastily react. I didn’t realize that these were some issues I had before her, but they did need to change and she has helped that. I have learned a lot about myself and managing my emotions since getting into a relationship with a girl who has struggles with mental illnesses.
Don’t lose sight of who you are. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t lose sight of who I really am because I put all my energy into helping her. I wanted her to be better so badly that I didn’t care if it meant that I suffered mentally or emotionally, just as long as she got better. This, many other things I tried, isn’t sustainable. Although I lived like this for a while, it ended up doing more harm than good not only to me, but our relationship. It’s almost as if I lost sight of my goals and my identity, which are important for each individual to have in a relationship. Now, each day I set a goal for myself to do something for me, that’ll improve my day; it could be anything from playing/walking our dog, Kona, reading, listening to a podcast, or just sitting in silence settling down my thoughts.
Having a SO with mental illness can sometimes mean picking your battles. If you choose to pick apart everything that affects them, you’d never sleep, and you’d never end up helping. It’s not about being walked over, it’s about realizing that the argument, frustration, time spent not speaking, and tears aren’t worth it. When it comes to the arguments, focus on the bigger picture rather than the small details. I can’t tell you how many arguments we’ve had that have resulted in tears and anger that I can’t remember the reason for the fight in the first place. Whether I started the argument or she did – I can honestly say that 95% of them aren’t worth it. This doesn’t mean that your feelings of frustration don’t matter, but in the times that you are frustrated, you’ll have to learn how to calmly tell her the issue, rather than lashing out. Again, in my experience, it’s about whether or not it’s worth the fight/see the tears.
When you get into a relationship with someone with depression and anxiety, you have to let go of all your expectations. Just because they showed you love and affection one way yesterday, doesn’t mean that’s how they’re going to show it today or tomorrow. As someone whose “love language” is physical touch, it took a while to understand why sometimes giving her a hug after a long week of not seeing her made her feel like she was suffocating. It’s important to be grateful for every bit of love and affection shown from someone who struggled to even get out of bed that morning. Her acts of love can be shown in simple ways like buying a small trinket from the store that I thought was funny, taking her car so I can conserve gas, or even just holding my hand. Keep in mind that she is trying her best to function, let alone show you the love and affection you think you deserve.Showing love, reassurance that she’s beautiful, hugging her when she’s sad, wiping her tears, they’re all things that are necessary when dating someone with mental health issues. Even the smallest words of encouragement could mean the world. My favorite to tell her are “you’ve got this” “you look radiant” “I’m proud of you” because those put the biggest smile on her face. I’ve learned through helping her that mental illness opens up a world of different painful emotions and thoughts that i can’t even begin to imagine. The thought of that all her mental illness issues are her fault is one that has been the hardest to help her with. To constantly reassure her that her emotions are valid, that she’s not crazy for feeling this way is hard when her mind is telling her otherwise. The best thing i learned to do in this instance is to never stop making her feel like her emotions matter, no matter how small they seem. If she’s crying because someone cut her off in traffic then f*** that person. She needs you in her corner – her mind is already against her, why should you be?”
With love,
Lex & Ry